Crosstimber Chronicle

Hot off the press! FIRST in our our ongoing series highlighting our most DESTRUCTIVE RESIDENTS  moving into our little rural mountain hamlet of Garden Valley is a species known as Meridiass Moroni. Native to Meridian, Idaho, the female of the species (always more dangerous) is usually fat, often with poorly frosted hair and an addiction to Dutch Brothers coffee drinks. Some have an unfortunate penchant for stuffing themselves into Lululemon and the like – no matter the bulge.

These lovelies and their flaccid husbands have decimated the grand prairie and farmland of once beautiful Meridian – one asphalt-covered, overbuilt subdivision at a time. Now in their middle age, they yearn for nature and the quiet. Once here in Garden Valley, however, they are soon bored of all the green trees and white snow. No shopping! No tacos! No good nail salons! They may also start to smell rancid and show their grey roots now that they have no access to Bath and Body Works or Target. Beware!! They will start off so friendly and fun you will think you have found your new bestie, until the first bugs or mud or dust or wild animals of Spring arrive. Then our hallowed hills will hear their ear-splitting shrieks and you will feel the barrage of flying spittle and pill capsules as they scarf down the illegal pain meds they get from south of the border to escape the pain of a rural reality. Friend, let them take all the pills they can choke down. Do not call the law. These pills are the only thing keeping peace in their homes. Pity their fat children and neutered men. Pity the natural flora and fauna around them that they will relentlessly kill off with pesticides and weed killer in their fits of weakness. They are not an elevated species, respectful of other life forms. They might even be aliens. And DO pray for a heavy winter or divine intervention to get them running back to their strip malls and dirty sodas.

Next issue will focus on the men of this species, otherwise known politely as The Male Karens of the world. Not so politely, the locals call them — well, you’ll just have to wait until our next edition. Note: Everything is this blog is satire; purely fictional and purely for fun.