Hot off the press! FIRST in our our ongoing series highlighting our most DESTRUCTIVE NEW RESIDENTS moving into our little rural mountain hamlet of Garden Valley is the species known as Meridiass Moroni. Native to Meridian, Idaho, the female of the species (always more dangerous) is usually fat, often with frosted hair and an addiction to Dutch Brothers coffee drinks and a penchant for stuffing herself into Lululemon no matter the bulge.
These lovelies and their flaccid husbands have decimated the grand prairie and farmland of once beautiful Meridian – one asphalt-covered, overbuilt subdivision at a time. Now in their middle age, they yearn for nature and the quiet. Once here in Garden Valley, however, they are soon bored of all the green trees and white snow. No shopping! No tacos! No good nail salons! They may also start to smell rancid and show their grey roots now that they have no access to Bath and Body Works or Target. Beware!! They will start off so friendly and fun you will think you have found your new bestie, until the first bugs or mud or dust or wild animals of Spring arrive. Then our hallowed hills will hear their ear-splitting shrieks and you will feel the barrage of flying spittle and pill capsules as they scarf down the illegal pain meds they get from south of the border. Friend, let them take all the pills they can choke down. Do not call the law. These pills are the only thing keeping peace in their homes. Pity their fat children and neutered men. Pity the natural flora and fauna they will relentlessly kill off with pesticides and weed killers in their fits of weakness. And pray for a heavy winter next year to get them running back to their malls and their dirty sodas.
Crosstimber Chronicle 