Hello and welcome to a story of yet another contender in our Invasive Species of Idaho contest. Today we look at the species known as the Patagonia Posers. These special people roll proudly into our little mountain hamlet of Garden Valley in their customized Mercedes Benz Sprinters, bedecked in their brightly colored, name-branded nylon and plastic outwear, speeding into Crosstimber Ranch without regard for any posted speed limits. They are in a hurry, dear! They are so excited to be here IN NATURE (where they really belonged all along) that they must speed to get here, even if it means hitting a turkey or a cat on the way in. Turkeys and cats are not special, like they are, so who really cares? Such couples may hail from Colorado or California. They’ll often clarify the specific tony denizen of each state: “Cherry Hills to be exact” or “We’re originally from Malibu, you know.” Sometimes this arrival is by way of our northern, snobbier sister city of Sun Valley. But why move from Sun Valley to the tiny, remote, very corny and relatively low-brow town of Garden Valley? Oh, the Patagonia Posers actually much prefer Sun Valley to Garden Valley, believe you me. It’s just that these posers posed so long in Sun Valley as important, special people that they ran through a lot of, ahem, well, money during the process. Being special in Sun Valley runs up quite the tab if you’re not working because you are pretending to be so wealthy that you do not have to work. Posing money goes much farther in Garden Valley. Practically double the value! That’s our little secret, though.
Oh, and they love the Payette River. Kayaking down the river brings them closer to nature. Even though kayaking basically involves NOT being in the river, but floating on top of it in a piece of plastic, they still feel very natural slapping around with their paddles and such. And driving down Highway 55 in their Sprinter from one end of their river run to the other to pick each other up. That also feels very natural. Did they tell you they’re vegan? It’s very important that you know that. And one of them plays the piano professionally (this went very far in Sun Valley) and the other one was in commercials fifty years ago, or maybe he was an Amazon best-selling author — or was it a failed dentist? He did so many special things. The thing is, they had very important lives once upon a time and did very important things. It’s very important that you know this. But if you don’t, don’t worry; they’ll tell you within five minutes of meeting them.
The building rules in Crosstimber Ranch are just too restrictive for special people like them. They are above rules, after all. Rules are for everyone else. They’re high strung and moody (where are the happy pills from that Mormon lady, for Christ’s sake??) and have gone over budget and fired their contractor. The cold weather is setting in. GASP! They absolutely CANNOT be reduced to living in a trailer all winter on their property. Oh my God no. So now they must rely on a somewhat sleazy fellow, also from California (but not Malibu), who has promised to let them shack up with him and his mentally unstable wife. He has also promised to provide them with a siding material that looks exactly like real wood but is half the price and will fool everyone. Except that it doesn’t look like real wood at all and it hasn’t fooled anyone and now they are stuck with it. They had to live in the man’s garage for 8 months being fed coffee and booze by a woman whose facial skin was constantly slicked with sweat and had the pallor of snot. All for the privilege of ending up with a plastic house. Egad. Egad! I won’t even mention how they were reduced to having to cheat in an HOA election and forge another man’s signature to get this cretinous contractor elected to the board so they wouldn’t have to replace the fake wood with real wood. They’ve cheated and lied before, of course, but not for such a vulgar, un-special reason.
I would also never mention how they constructed a barn first, complete with illegal living quarters, that they then proceeded to live inside while they took two more years to build their fake wood house. and then lied (in writing) to the HOA Board that they had no intention of habitating in their barn. Ever. As if.
The barn was made of fake wood, too, of course. But habitating an outbuilding, be it a barndominium or garage or shed, isn’t allowed in Crosstimber Ranch. We are a single family residential community. Having two residences on one property instantly destroys that definition/classification of the neighborhood and everyone’s property values along with it. But our Posers don’t care much about maintaining property values or a quality of life for themselves or anyone else. They just go from one day to the next, cutting and pasting together their Instagram life for the sake of their seething, ever-demanding vanity. Remember, they are just posing at having actual class, taste and considerate sensibilities. They are really only able to construct theatrical “sets” of what they wish they were, and sets can be made of lights, smoke and mirrors – or paper mâché and paste.
Oh, but his really is all too much for them both. The one that plays piano has taken to weeping at her Steinway and plinking out dirges in the minor keys. Their pride demanded that they push on with building their phony house and remaining friendly with the slatternly cretins, but secretly they wish they had just kept their mouths shut and not fired that first contractor after all. Life is so difficult when you’re special.
Cheers and see you next time for our Neighborhood Crime Blotter!
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