Invasive Species of Idaho #3: The Patagonia Posers

Hello and welcome to a story of yet another contender in our Invasive Species of Idaho contest known as The Patagonia Posers. These special people hail from California (Malibu, don’t you know) by way of places like Italy and our northern, snobbier sister city of Sun Valley. Oh, the Patagonia Posers much prefer Sun Valley to Garden Valley, believe you me. In fact, they can’t really remember why they ended up buying property and building a home here. Did they tell you they’re vegan? It’s very important that you know that. And one of them plays the piano professionally and the other one was a model or an actor — or was it a dentist? The thing is, they had very important lives once upon a time and did very important things. In Malibu. And maybe Italy. It’s very important that you know this. But if you don’t, don’t worry; they’ll tell you within five minutes of meeting them.

The building rules in Crosstimber Ranch are just too restrictive for them. They are above rules, after all. Rules are for everyone else. They’re high strung and moody (where are the happy pills from that Mormon lady, for Christ’s sake??) and have fired their contractor. The cold weather is setting in. GASP! They absolutely CANNOT be reduced to living in a trailer all winter on their property. Oh my God no.

So now they must rely on a somewhat sleazy fellow, also from California (but not Malibu), who has promised to provide them with a siding material that looks exactly like real wood and will fool everyone. It doesn’t look like wood and it hasn’t fooled anyone and now they are stuck with it. And they had to live in the man’s garage all winter for the privilege of having a plastic house. This really is all too much. The one that plays piano takes to weeping and plays only in the minor keys. Their pride demands they push on with their plastic house and remain friends with the fellow cretin, but secretly they wish they had just kept their mouths shut and not fired that first contractor after all. Life is so difficult when you’re special.