Crosstimber Chronicle

Part Four in our popular series of Idaho’s Invasive Species focuses on a sub-strait of the infamous California migrant known as ex-cops from California. One could also lump ex-firefighters into this category as they, too, are public union stiffs with bloated pensions from a deep blue state that has gone to hell thanks to them, but I digress. The inglorious story of this ex-cop presence here in parts of Idaho such as Garden Valley or especially the new-fangled gated communities of Eagle is best expressed in a campy, satirical music video — because there is nothing very deep to analyze here. Thus I have created one here for your enjoyment above. Please enjoy.

These ex-cops can hail from Los Angeles, Los Angeles County, Sacramento and even the dreaded Bay Area. There are so few humans in Idaho compared to California, that once they arrive here they immediately feel all alone and capable of getting away with, well, anything. Sex, drugs, lighting stuff on fire; you name it, they have tried to do it deep in the woods or in their own backyard. They believe they can leave a mess everywhere they go because nobody is here to see it or stop them. That’s not really true; we locals are here and near and we fiercely look after our public lands and rural towns and simple way of life. When they find this out the hard way they usually become enraged at being caught out or not getting their way. I gather wearing a badge for 20 or so years gives a person a sense of grandiose entitlement. And that is how they have become so loathed by the locals even as they claim to “be true conservatives” and “love it here.” In the same breath that they say this, they may also clamor for more government programs or worker’s union benefits – you know, like they had back home. They don’t see the hypocrisy because they’ve lived it their whole lives.

Or there are the delightful ones of them who like to warn us of bad things that happened in California on their watch. They are from the future and we need to listen to them before it’s too late. No brown people! Brown people bad! Stop letting them in, they’ll holler. Giving no specifics as to why exactly these people are “bad” except that they “moved to Idaho to get away from those people.” I’m not talking about the swarm of illegal immigrants that are currently in Idaho courtesy of the Biden administration and our RINO Governor; many of which are from south of the border. No, they don’t discriminate between actual Americans and illegals. No matter that Idaho has had legal migrant farm workers, Spanish and Basque settlers and native tribes here for hundreds of years. These guys and gals would straight up prefer to live only amongst White people for the rest of their lives. They exist in an ever-escalating state of disappointment that Idaho is not such a Xanadu.

Here at Crosstimber Ranch, they have a penchant for clustering together for “meetings” or riding around the neighborhood to and from each other’s houses in their 4 wheelers and ATV’s. Big Wheels for adults. There is always a great deal to discuss about who got too drunk the night before and attacked who or whose wife they’d ‘rather.’ Oh, wait, the ‘who’d you rather’ game is what they play when they are in the hot tub doing the drinking, not the morning after. My mistake. The rest of the neighborhood would not ‘rather’ any of their wives, as they mostly consist of heavy drinking, porous-nosed Ukrainian mail-order brides with green teeth and thighs as thick as tree trunks or broken down old goat-women who limp. That would only be unkind if it were an exaggeration. Actually, I am being a bit hard on the Ukrainian “brides.” Some of them do start out pretty, what with their often charming Polish and Lithuanian genetic influences. Somewhere around 35 or 40 years of age, however, the bride’s face begins to take on less of the Polish cherubic softness and more of a Lithuanian eyebrow-maxing, rough-hewn character. At 45 and beyond, they straight up look like a Guy Fawkes mask.

Moving on. The Cali ex-cop’s belief in his or her usefulness to Idaho in general or to Crosstimber Ranch in particular is impressive, considering their odious behavior over the years has caused the property values and quality of life to plummet here in our hamlet.

One of them, if you can believe it, told the local sheriff’s department not to bother making the routine safety drive through Crosstimber Ranch, because he personally “looked out” for the subdivision, so the actual police were not necessary. This is the same man who screamed bloody murder at an elderly neighbor who was approaching another man’s property. He just started screaming at the man in the road. This elderly man and his lovely wife ended up moving away from their dream house they had built here because of more bullying and harassment that followed. Who would want to live out your golden years surrounded by a cabal of drunken thugs? Years later this same ex-cop would swarm another man’s property on his little red ATV with his buddies in tow, drunkenly in search of an uncovered propane tank — simply because another neighbor that was his hot tub drinking buddy had been asked to cover his propane tank. The neighbor being swarmed did not have an uncovered tank. The ex-cop just decided to act like a tyrant child in reaction to his friend being sent a letter. These are everyday occurrences now all over Idaho from these California folks.

Another ex-cop thug and his wife, an ex-cop herself, cost Crosstimber thousands of dollars because they were determined to paint their house battleship grey (oddly just like the prison where both of them had once worked). Crosstimber Ranch building guidelines call for natural wood stains, to keep a rural, rustic look and blend in with the natural beauty of the area. For 25 years, families have used wood stains on their wood homes here. But ex-cops from California rarely have any appreciation for what it takes to create and maintain anything beautiful or lasting, including a natural, rural community with a rustic aesthetic. After months of politely requesting that the house be painted with a natural wood stain instead of the bleak, unnaturally flat grey, the HOA folks reluctantly began a legal proceeding against the couple. The hope was that they would choose a wood stain before any legal action was needed. Then for reasons unknown (were threats involved?), the little old church-going men and women on the HOA suddenly backed off and inexplicably paid the ex-cops something like four thousand dollars because the ex-cops had promised to sandblast the grey off the house. But what did the ex-cops actually do in response, you ask? They took the money, sandblasted the house and then proceeded to re-paint the house the same grey color. Just as a “screw you” to their neighbors. The house stands as a blighted (grey) eyesore against the backdrop of mountains and log homes. Most people that visit mistake it for a maintenance building or the DMV.

Our infestation of invasive ex-cops have committed worse crimes, naturally, and perhaps throwback crime blotter reports would be amusing to post now and again. But for now, as far as a remedy to prevent the ex-cop from Cali takeover of our native species and natural beauty, the only thing that would work would be to squeeze Idaho dry of all her beer, wine and whiskey. Then we might stand a chance. Until then, you better stay out of their way and Back That Blue, baby!