Crosstimber Chronicle

Invasive Species #5 of Garden Valley, ID and Crosstimber Ranch is perhaps the most destructive and damaging of all: The Super Creepy Super Host.

First, as a means of introduction to this vile invasive creature; a song. For music is a global language and this video expresses the long-whispered myth of the original evil doings of this loathsome destructo in our midst. 

I have not lived here in Crosstimber Ranch long enough to have been around when this evil first reared it’s ugly head in the form of this person and his henchmen: the drunk and broken down ex-cops and sleazy contractors hailing from California and a few illiterate Mormons, but I can contest to the validity of every single neighbor’s constant reference to the particular matter of this illegal vacation rental operation as being both the cause and effect of the down-turn in the quality of life and neighborly relations around here. How’s that for a run-on sentence?

It’s hell around here. We all know it. We all suffer in silence and pretend we live in the best place on earth because that’s what it looks like in our phone photos that we are constantly posting on Facebook or Idaho Through The Lens or Idaho Weather Watchers or Garden Valley Happenings. And by the way, can we please stop doing this? Remember the Eagles song lyric “if you call something Paradise, kiss it goodbye.” We don’t need more transplants. Everyone has at least one doorbell camera, usually two or three, to cover their back deck and garages, and even the woods behind their properties. You see, nobody trusts their neighbors because so many of them resorted to criminal behavior when this rental matter arose. Yes, criminal behavior, police reports, all kinds of illegal HOA shenanigans; the works. It brought out the thug in everyone, let’s just say. And those who were actually good people with no thug nature to draw inspiration from, well, they moved away. They now live in far-flung beautiful places with the great satisfaction of knowing the thugs only ever ruined their own peace and tranquility by fighting so hard to protect this illegal rental house and are now all constantly miserable because of it. We certainly can’t trust the strangers traipsing through our midst (a new batch every weekend) thanks to these rental operations that now flourish. Everyone has security lights as bright as Friday Night Lights, so forget about the dark night sky you were expecting. We live in a surveillance state where any trip out of the Crosstimber Loop is through a gauntlet of cameras recording your every move on the porches of ex-cops with nothing to do all day but gossip and spy and get into fights.

But back to my story. What happened was (ALLEGEDLY), in 2017 or 2018, this middle-aged, troll-like little fellow, a slum lord from Detroit, legend has it, bought a big vacant lot here in Crosstimber Ranch. We’ll call him Tyrone Stoole. We know for a fact that he is a tiny bit of a racist and would hate more than anything to be called by a traditional American Black name. Tyrone’s lot was a ridge lot;  meaning it was on the mountainside ridge above those lots we consider to be “in the fishbowl,” or in the valley of the subdivision. Both areas are nice, I suppose. The valley area used to be a protected wetland where many native bird species, including great blue herons, eagles, pheasants, etc., would flock to breed and rest. However, even though our developer John Barnes made allowances in our CC&Rs to protect this wildlife and this wetland status, newer owner/builders featured inthis very newsletter (the sleazy contractor, the Meridiass Moroni, the Patagonia Posers and a few other curmudgeonly old farts) have saturated the area with glyphosate weed killers and man-made nitrogen pellet fertilizers (both banned by our CC&Rs to protect the Payette River) and re-routed intricately laid drainage culverts to dry out their home plots out of fears that the waters flowing through the above ground v-ditches were ‘terpid’ or full of toxins because they had never encountered the natural seasonal run-off and mud of an above-ground v-ditch. We can’t help retarded people who were raised in Sacramento suburbs or just basic shit hole people with no values or land sense, but if you, dear reader, have any advice for how to educate these idiot invaders, please help us and comment below.

To continue, in 2018, Tyrone, a man in his 50’s with no wife or children (not gay either), submitted plans to build a three story, five bedroom house on this vacant lot. Each of the five bedrooms was equipped with it’s own en-suite bathroom and separate outdoor entrance, to include winding outdoor staircases. Now, anybody with a working brain could have deduced that this person was attempting to build what amounted to a mini-hotel, not an actual single-family home. But, alas, our community no longer had people with working brains in charge of the architectural control committee. We had failed and drunken bond traders from Texas and (you guessed it) also failed and drunken retired cops from California in charge of quality control at that time. They were simultaneously asleep at the wheel, infighting with one another and/or interested in creating their own little illegal rental operations in the future, so this monstrous mini-Marriott got approved. 

You’ll never guess what happened next, but you’ll have to wait…

 TUNE IN next month for more in our saga of The Super Creepy Super Host! Until then, be careful, neighbor. And if you live here and are renting out your cabin but not your barn with it, or anyone is living or staying in your barn or outbuilding for any length of time (including yourself), you are in violation of our rules.

  — ONWARD

All satire, all the time. All for fun.