Invasive Species #5 of Garden Valley, ID and Crosstimber Ranch is perhaps the most destructive and damaging of all: The Super Creepy Super Host.
First, as a means of introduction to this vile invasive creature; a song. For music is a global language and this video expresses the long-whispered myth of the original evil doings of this loathsome destructo in our midst.
I have not lived here in Crosstimber Ranch long enough to have been around when this evil first reared it’s ugly head in the form of this person, his illegal AirBnB rental house, and his henchmen: the drunk and broken down ex-cops and sleazy contractors hailing from California and a few illiterate Mormons. I can, however, contest to the validity of every single neighbor’s constant reference to the particular matter of this illegal vacation rental operation as being both the cause and effect of the down-turn in the quality of life and neighborly relations in Crosstimber Ranch.
It’s hell around here. We all know it. We all suffer in silence and pretend we live in the best place on earth because that’s what it looks like in our phone photos that we are constantly posting on Facebook or Idaho Through The Lens or Idaho Weather Watchers or Garden Valley Happenings. And by the way, can we please stop doing this? Remember the Eagles song lyric “if you call something Paradise, kiss it goodbye.”
Everyone has at least one doorbell camera, usually two or three, to cover their back deck and garages, and even the woods behind their properties. You see, nobody trusts their neighbors because so many of them resorted to criminal behavior when this rental matter arose. Yes, criminal behavior; police reports, all kinds of illegal HOA shenanigans – the works. It brought out the thug in everyone, let’s just say. And those who were actually good people with no thug nature to draw inspiration from, well, most of them have moved away. They now live in far-flung, beautiful places with the great satisfaction of knowing the only people left behind in the once great Crosstimber Ranch are drunks, thugs and cowards – alongside us newbies that are trying to make the best of it. At least that’s what I hear.
We certainly can’t trust the strangers traipsing through our midst (a new batch every weekend) thanks to these illegal rental operations that now flourish. And everyone has security lights as bright as Friday Night Lights, so forget about the dark night sky you were expecting. We live in a surveillance state where any trip out of the Crosstimber Loop is through a gauntlet of cameras recording your every move on the porches of ex-cops with nothing to do all day but gossip and spy and get into fights.
But back to my story. What happened was (ALLEGEDLY), in 2017 or 2018, this middle-aged, troll-like little fellow, a slum lord from Detroit, bought a big vacant lot here in Crosstimber Ranch. We’ll call him Tyrone Stoole. We know for a fact that he is a tiny bit of a racist and would hate more than anything to be called by a traditional American Black name, so of course we will call him that. Tyrone’s lot is a ridge lot; meaning it was on the mountainside ridge above those lots we consider to be “in the fishbowl,” or in the valley of the subdivision. Both areas are nice, I suppose. The valley area used to be a protected wetland where many native bird species, including great blue herons, eagles, pheasants, etc., would flock to breed and rest. However, even though our developer John Barnes made allowances in our CC&Rs to protect this wildlife and this wetland status, newer owner/builders featured in this very newsletter (the sleazy contractor, the Meridiass Moroni, the Patagonia Posers and a few other curmudgeonly old farts) have saturated the area with glyphosate weed killers and man-made nitrogen pellet fertilizers (both banned by our CC&Rs to protect the Payette River) and re-routed intricately laid drainage culverts to dry out their home plots out of fears that the waters flowing through the above ground v-ditches were ‘terpid’ because they had never encountered the natural seasonal run-off and mud of an above-ground v-ditch.
So, in 2018, Tyrone (a man in his 50’s with no wife or children) submitted plans to build a three story, five bedroom house on this vacant lot. Each of the five bedrooms was equipped with it’s own ensuite bathroom and separate outdoor entrance, to include winding outdoor staircases. Now, anybody with a working brain could have deduced that this person was attempting to build what amounted to a mini-hotel, not an actual single-family home. But, alas, our community no longer had people with working brains in charge of the Architectural Control Committee. We had failed and drunken bond traders from Texas and (you guessed it) also failed and drunken retired cops from California in charge of quality control at that time. They were simultaneously asleep at the wheel, infighting with one another and/or interested in creating their own little illegal rental operations in the future, so this monstrous mini-Marriott got approved.
Tyrone was determined to build his hotel himself, and by all accounts seemed to know what he was doing. This was before the COVID supply chain delays and price inflations, so things moved along well. Then, strangely, in 2020, Tyrone enlisted the help of the Sleazy Sacramento Contractor. Neighbors would see this fat slob on Tyron’s roof stomping at nails or cursing at his own sweat and stink. That’s when the quality of Tyrone’s house and the project itself began to decline. Sup-par materials, delays, etc. It was at this time that a resident at Crosstimber Ranch began to get UPS packages meant for Tyrone delivered to his house located right near the entrance to the subdivision. Tyron’s driveway was in such a state of unmanaged mud that the UPS driver would not drive up it. One day in summer, a very strange package was delivered and Tyrone’s reaction was even stranger. Rumor has it, that is!
Soon to be continued….Stay tuned and…
— ONWARD
All satire, all the time. All for fun!
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