Crosstimber Ranch May 2026 Crime Blotter. Friend, it was ugly.

Darla, as we all know, has regrettably made frequent appearances on our monthly community crime blotter. She’s had to step down from the HOA Board twice as a result of her low character — in the form of cheating in an election and allowing a man to run a vacation rental hotel because she stupidly thought preventing it would affect her Mormon friends — which it didn’t. She just never bothered to read the CC&R’s. Or if she did, her tiny brain could not interpret the words properly. This debacle cost Crosstimber Ranch tens of thousands of dollars in lost legal fees and now our once secluded and quiet community is riddled with tourists and illegal vacation rentals with property values falling each year. Do come visit!

Before that, Darla lied to other board members in an effort to get them to sign a letter that she had changed the words to in a way that made the HOA admit to something it didn’t actually do. This evil deed was done in order to please the sleazy contractor from Sacramento and possibly give him and his snot-slicked wife grounds to sue the HOA. Why would a Mormon lady do this for a nasty drunkard with a police record? We don’t rightly know. Darla has a very strong and un-natural affection for this contractor which none us fully understand. Allegedly, of course. But then again, everything about Darla is un-natural, from her demonic lack of character to her bleach blonde hair and glued-on blue fingernails.

We’re also not sure why the Mormon Church hasn’t distanced itself from her at this point. Most other Mormons around these parts at least try to present a facade of being decent people. Well, except for that tall fellow from Arizona who moved away to raise llamas with his daughter after being run out of town on a rail. What a freaking weirdo. But that’s for another day. Anyway, Mormons usually purport to be of high character. God expects this of them, does He not? But not our Darla. She prides herself on setting off illegal fireworks. It’s her forest, welcome to it. Will she pay to repair our fence that the elk busted through or even blink when we mention the deer fawn that broke it’s leg (and of course died) trying to get through the ice-topped snow to safety from the explosions? Hell, no. She and her ‘well-nourished’ family will just laugh in your face and make sure to buy louder fireworks next year.

Darla is also one of our Meridiass Moroni transplants (as described in an earlier post), which simply means that she moved here from the God-forsaken suburbs of Meridian. Meridian, as it happens, has many LDS churches and wards. Darla has bragged on occasion, usually with spittle flying, that she was practically raised by a Mormon Elder and his wife. To prove it, she demonstrate that she has the Elder’s wife on speed dial. Many of us Garden Valley locals would like to let these Elders know that they need to do a better job of bringing up the young in their community. This gal had to have been a bad apple rotting in their midst. Every waking moment of her life appears to be devoted to sowing discord among neighbors for her own selfish ends.

Several years ago, recall she began irrigating her massive expanse of non-native lawn grass all hours every day in preparation for the weddings she hosts on this lawn each summer. Everyone drills their own well for water here at Crosstimber Ranch. All our wells draw from the same aquifer, which is composed of granite fissures. This is why our community rules don’t allow for lawn irrigation larger than a 1/2 acre right around the house. But our Darla just doesn’t care about the aquifer running dry and leaving her neighbors without water. She just doesn’t care about anything but herself. Her lawn must be green. Shouldn’t her good Mormon husband step in and require her to behave like a decent human being? Doesn’t he get an entire planet to himself when he dies, according to their holy book? Surely he can help the rest of us out a little while he’s still down here on Earth.

Another neighbor’s land backs up to a wooded area that is public land. This neighbor leaves a reciprocating saw in these woods throughout the winter to be able to cut down smaller fallen pine trees that lay across the elk trails in the snow, blocking wildlife access. See, the elk, though they make great trails, can pretty much go anywhere in the forest they need to go, crushing through deep snow and ice with their long legs and heavy weight. The deer, however, rely solely on the elk-made trails to move around to feed themselves during winter. The snow is too deep and the ice too hard to break through off-trail snow with their much daintier legs and hooves. So if these trails get blocked by trees, it means deer are trapped in place until the thaw, with no ability to forage and survive. Hence the neighbor and her saw. This neighbor’s electric saw went missing from the forest the same day that Darla’s family went turkey hunting right behind the neighbor’s house. Again, no consideration for anybody but themselves, stray bullets and arrows be damned. The neighbor is certain that a Finkle took the saw because a Finkle was seen hauling it into the back of a family truck. As mentioned, the only thing that would have come of asking for the expensive saw to be returned, however, would be the wrath of shrieking Darla and the Finkles detonating possibly even louder commercial fireworks behind that neighbor’s house the next time a holiday rolled around — which would cause yet more deer to be injured or killed. Darla just doesn’t care.

As Darla will most likely continue to cause trouble, harm and pain as long as she draws breath, our best advice, if you happen to run into her at the mailbox, is to smile, compliment her dreadful cooking, and then get moving in whatever direction that Darla is not headed. Congratulations to the Mormon community (and those Elders) for raising such a stellar human being.

All satire and fiction! All the time! All for fun!